Tuesday, January 5, 2016

A break through

I haven't posted anything for a while, due to the fact that we have been so busy lately. Most of the time it is a good busy, but other times it is hectic crazy busy. 




We have had some wonderful news of late for our boys. 

Andrew had to get his "packet" renewed for his TSS services, and though it was some work and nudging people out of the mud their feet were stuck in, we put together a good packet and it was approved. No six months of meetings, grievances, and fighting our case to get Andrew the help that he needs. APPROVED! Such a blessing. He is doing so well in school. Renee (his TSS) still has to redirect him very frequently, but he loves going and is learning how to behave and growing academically as well. Renee tells us that his classmates love him and they have taken him under their wings to encourage and include him. We are so happy with his progress.




Matthew just got a psychological evaluation done (by a school psychologist) to see where he was at and to see if he was placed where he needs to be for his education. The results came back with a very clear answer that Matthew is where he needs to be. His school helps him have a deeper level of education but also deeper level of social interaction and communication. So that fight of placement is hopefully shelved for a few more years.



So aside from the boys being settled, where they need to be and with the best people, I had a pretty amazing experience yesterday on my way home from Matthew's IEP meeting. While I was leaving the meeting Matthew's principal, assistant principal, teacher, and speech therapist all told me how great I was doing and that Matthew's success was because of me and my willingness to fight and get what was best for him. I was touched, then on the way home I started thinking about all those people in that room who have been there for me and most especially for Matthew. Then I started reflecting back on my journey through all of this (with Andrew and Matthew) and face after face, name after name, kept on coming to me of different people who have been there for my boys, loved them, supported them, and have helped them to be where they are today. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for all these people and how blessed I have been to have them as part of our lives. If Andrew and Matthew had not been autistic or had the struggles that they have had, I never would have known these amazing people and have them touch my life and my boys' lives. 

It was the first time that I was actually thankful for their autism. That I have been blessed and have grown into who I am today because of it. Is it still hard for me....yes! Is it getting better...yes! I have finally gotten to the point of seeing the blessing of it. And that is HUGE for me. I am grateful for this break through, and I look forward to many more to come. 



Monday, September 21, 2015

I'm tired of fighting.....but I can't stop.

Being a parent of a child with special needs means you never stop fighting....fighting for what is right for your child. Fighting being their voice when theirs isn't heard (or understood). Fighting to make sure that they get the services and help that they need so that they can be as successful as possible in this life. It is never just a one time fight but a repeated fight that needs to be revisited every year and reevaluated every year. So several times each year (but the stress of the fight is never ending) I feel like I need to pull out my imaginary "boxing gloves" and jump into the ring and duke it out with providers, administrations, and others that are supposedly there to help and make decisions that are best for my boys. But more times than not it never feels that way. And most times I feel like David going up against Goliath. But guess what....David wins in the end. So that gives me courage, it gives me strength, and it gives me the motivation to move forward and keep on fighting. 

And although Matthew and Andrew have no clue about these meetings and the fight that we are fighting for them. They do know one thing...that I love them and I will never stop fighting for them. 

Andrew doesn't say "I love you" with his mouth, but this is how he tells me when I sign I love you. He matched my fingers with his.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

"Excuse me ma'am, could you please get control over your son!"

I try to avoid going out in public as much as possible with Andrew. Or at least not alone. But lately he hasn't really been that bad out in public. So I really wasn't dreading taking him to his Kindergarten physical at the doctor's office today. I knew there would be toys in the waiting room and brought the iPad as well, with the hopes of keeping him content and happy. 

When we walked in, he immediately ran over to the toys and was very interested in a play vacuum cleaner. It made noise and the eyes on the vacuum moved back and forth. He turned the toy on and ran back and forth over and over. There were 3 older ladies in the waiting room watching him. When he bumped into one of their chairs a few times she moved her chair back, then switched chairs. I said, "I'm sorry he bumped into you." 

And she replied, "oh no this is better now he can have more room to make that turn! I wish I had that kind of energy." I smiled at her and thought, how nice of her to be understanding of a kid and his energy. 

The ladies tried talking to Andrew a few times, and he, of course, didn't respond to them. Another couple came in and sat down. They smiled at Andrew and seemed amused by his energy and play. 

Next, a pharmaceutical rep came in and started talking to the receptionist. I felt like the room was getting a bit crowded and so I moved some of Andrew's toys and moved over closer to the toy area in hopes that Andrew would stay over in that area. He was just happily running back and forth. I noticed him bump the pharmaceutical lady once and she looked over at me. I didn't think it was a big deal (he is a kid in a waiting room playing with a toy). 

Well I guess it was his 2nd time bumping her and she leaned over to the receptionist and complained (I didn't know this happened) "He just hit me a 2nd time!" 

The receptionist responded while leaning way out of the window in a very curt and annoyed tone, "Ma'am would you please get control over your son! The doctor doesn't like having a noisy waiting room." 

To which I replied, "you know I would if I could! If I do I will get beat on! He is autistic and can't help it!" 

She responded, "Oh well I don't want that." 

I had already turned my back to her and brought Andrew to a corner of the waiting room,where I took the toy away and waited for our turn. As we were waiting, I got kicked and hit and had to deal with a frustrated Andrew. 

The nurse happened to be a friend of mine and when she opened the door to let us back I just lost it and started crying. I held on to her and just sobbed. 

I felt a little ridiculous, but it just hit me how confining having kids with autism really is. The doctor came in and I lost it with him again and told him what happened. He wasn't happy and I think apologized like 50 times during our visit. He is planning on having a talk with his staff and educating them. 

When leaving, the receptionist (who had to check me out), said "Ma'am I am really sorry if I sounded so harsh before. It's just that that lady leaned over to me and said, he just hit me a 2nd time. So I had to say something. I am sorry for how it sounded." 

I just wanted to get out of there and didn't feel like losing control over my emotions again, so I just said, "it was a toy vacuum and he barely nudged her as he ran past." She tried to say something again, but I just said, "Okay, bye."

Why? Why did this situation even have to happen? Why are people so intolerant? He is a child for goodness sake! In a waiting room! With toys! Of course he is going to be playing and moving around. Stopping Andrew from what he was doing (which I thought was fine behavior, I thought the toy was annoyingly loud, but that wasn't Andrew's fault) was risking him having a full on meltdown and running around flailing his arms hitting and kicking everyone in sight and then he actually would have hurt someone. (and probably ruined the pharmaceutical reps presentation) Why didn't the woman just ignore him and say, oh he is just being a little boy? And why did that receptionist feel like she had to say something to me? (The doctor is a pediatrician) And if she did feel like she had to say something to me, why not just say something to me quietly and in private, instead of very publicly and in a curt tone?

I don't understand people sometimes. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to not judge, and forgive quickly. 

So I guess the point of me sharing this story is to ask...please don't get angry at the kid (or his/her parent) in the waiting room, or in the grocery line, or wherever. You don't know their story. Perhaps they had a bad day, or maybe they are sick (very possible in a waiting room), or maybe there is more behind their behavior than you know. Think about them as humans who could use your compassion and not your judgment.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

"Normal" moments!

I struggle from time to time with the boys having autism. I think it will forever be an up and down roller coaster. I have even said to Eric, "I just wish I had a different life!"

The other week I said this and he said, "Well what would you change?" 

I thought about so many wonderful blessings that I have in my life and how much is great and wonderful. Then I started thinking about the day to day stuff. And it hit me....

I want a "normal" family... 

For example: I would love to have a meal where all 6 of us are sitting at the table at the same time, eating the same food, where we share what we did that day. I'm not asking for this to happen every night, or even for the entire meal, but even for thirty seconds in the past six years would be nice.

At times when I've shared some of these feelings, some parents of typical children have smiled and said, "Oh don't we all wish that. My family is crazy at meal time too!" 

I have read so many different blogs of parents with children with disabilities and hearing "my kids do that too" is a common thing. 

Even though I know that you might be trying to make me feel better and make it seem like my life is "normal", it is actually very difficult for me to hear. 

When I hear this I feel like my personal struggles are being dismissed. Instead please try to listen and understand. Having children with disabilities is not like what families with typical children go through. These hard times are constant for us, instead of sporadic. 

Also with "normal" kids there is an ending to misbehavior in the future, for me that end may never come. It's a difficult thing to express to people (and please don't take offense) because I know my friends are trying to be kind and supportive.

So one thing I wish for are these "normal family" moments. They don't happen very often, but every once in a while we do have them. Today was one of those sporadic "normal" moments. 

It snowed last night and today we decided to go sledding on the back hill behind our house. We got everyone geared up and headed out. We were out from about 9 until 4 o'clock (except for an hour for lunch). It was so great. We laughed, smiled, and just enjoyed our time together. These are the moments I cherish and treasure and hope for more in the future.










Thursday, September 11, 2014

Are you brave enough?

Yesterday EmmaLeigh told me something that happened at school.


She was sitting in class and a boy was laughing about and shared a story about an Ice Bucket Challenge that he either heard or saw (Emma couldn’t remember). There was a group of boys that challenged a boy with autism to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. The autistic boy didn’t really know what they were talking about but agreed to it. The boys then filled up a bucket and dumped in on the autistic boys head. Little did the autistic boy know that the bucket was actually filled up with human waste. Again as I said before the boy sharing this story, with Emma and some other kids, was laughing. The other kids in the group started laughing too. EmmaLeigh was very upset and said “Stop laughing it’s not funny! I have 2 brothers that are autistic and that is just not funny.” (I can’t remember exactly what she said) The boys in the group immediately stopped laughing looked a little sheepish and went back to doing their work. The boy sharing the story then went and shared it with someone else trying to get someone to laugh with him.

When she came home telling us the story she was very upset and was crying about it. I’m sure she was thinking about if that were to happen to her brothers. I know that these boys are children and are probably completely ignorant to what autism is, but even if the boy wasn’t autistic it was still a form of bullying that shouldn’t be admired or thought to be funny. 

This is just so disturbing to me. Why are people doing such awful things to another human being? And why is it getting spread around and being laughed at by others? 

I am so very proud of EmmaLeigh of how brave she was to stand up to that boy and let him know that what he was saying wasn't funny. It made me think.....Am I brave like that too? Do I stand up for what I know is right and stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves? 

Are you?

My brave girl, so proud of her!

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Matthew graduated from Kindergarten!

I can't believe this school year is already over! Matthew has grown so much this year, academically he has just soared, socially he has grown leaps and bounds, and emotionally he is just growing up. We went to his Kindergarten graduation today. It was so cute. Since there are only four of them it was a very short ceremony but still absolutely adorable. Thought I would share. So proud of our little Matthew!





Thursday, June 5, 2014

Oh Andrew!

I don't even know what to update about Andrew. He is making some progress, but he is just ALWAYS into things. He is so independent (exact opposite of Matthew). I didn't get a picture of him dumping out the shampoo and conditioner and mouthwash down the toilet, but he is into do that now too (some may think or say, "Oh my kid did that too when they were little", I will say to you there is a difference and the big difference I have noticed with Andrew and other kids who might do this stuff is you can actually talk to the child and they can somewhat understand what they are doing and will eventually stop or give up on it, but Andrew is obsessively persistent, it's part of who he is). My brother-in-law says that Andrew only has one speed....FAST. He is too smart for his own good. We are getting pretty inventive in how to keep him out of stuff. He did decide though to be potty trained so that has been wonderful. After 10 1/2 years of diapers I am done (except at night, but I don't count that b/c Andrew takes it off of himself in the morning when he wakes up and puts his own underwear on)! 

I think we will just continue to keep on seeing progress, but I know that it will never be completely "normal". But I have come to wonder...What is normal? Well I think normal is what your life is. And my normal is having the kids that I have and all that comes with them, the wonderful, the difficult, the frustrating, and the good.

Hope you get a good laugh at these pictures of Andrew and his mischief.








Seeing progress

This past year Matthew has been in Kindergarten. He has improved SO much over this past year. I'm sure a lot of it comes along with just getting older, but I am just so thrilled with how things are going with him. He still has his frustrating moments and his meltdowns, but we are learning how to deal with them and how to help him get over them easier. He is just adored by all who he interacts with. He is starting to interact more with people and seems to have a little bit more confidence with communicating (even though he still can't be understood by anyone). What I have really been super excited about this year is how good he is at reading! He has just picked up on it so much. It's amazing. Since he is at a signing school they don't teach phonics the "regular" way, instead they teach it through what they call "visual phonics", he can sound out some words, but most of his words that he can read are from memorizing (which was the only way I could learn to read). He is also a great speller. His fine motor skills aren't the greatest and so writing has really been his biggest struggle this year. Yesterday his teacher sent home some photocopies of his handwriting at the beginning of the year, the middle, and the end. You can definitely see he has improved. His teacher has been so patient and loving to him this year. We are so blessed to have had her as Matthew's teacher this year. He will miss her. 

So I guess this is just a post of celebrating a successful Kindergarten year! We had some rough patches, but I really feel like we have gotten to know Matthew so much more this year. He is a blessing in our lives.







Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Not all bad

Lately, I don't know if it has just been more acceptance or if it is because the boys are getting older, but I have been doing a lot better with everything. Especially Matthew, but he is 2 years farther along than Andrew. I still have my frustrating moments (but I have those with my "normal" kids too), but I have come to really just enjoy Matthew. He does some pretty funny stuff lately and then I remember "oh yeah you are almost 6!" I put together some short clips of the fun or cuteness of Matthew lately in the video below.


Andrew is also not that bad either. He is also in the toughest age. I think 3 is way harder than 2! But this summer he will be 4 and hopefully he starts improving as well. He is starting to talk more and seems to be joining the world around him. I put together a little video of him lately. The last clip is him humming the Smurf theme song (he LOVES Smurfs lately).



I really have been trying to have better attitude lately. I know it could be a lot worse. Trying to enjoy those happy good moments and when the hard times come (which I have a hard or down day at least every 4-6 weeks) I try and get through them the best I can.

I have come to accept that Autism is a part of my life. I can't change it and I can't fight it, so I am may as well just go with it.

Life is great, but it most definitely isn't perfect (which honestly I don't think it is supposed to be) !!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

He doesn’t look Autistic: And other false ideas about Autism

Eric and I have been talking about what I could post next on the blog. And when he had time today he put into words what we have been talking about.  So here is Eric's post on some of our thoughts that might give people some more understanding.


Raising two sons with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), has helped me to see, in a very personal way, what ASD can look like. Before experiencing this for myself I had some of the same misconceptions that many people have about ASD. As I speak to people about this disorder I often get the same questions and I wanted to address those questions/concerns/misconceptions to help raise awareness and understanding. I also want to emphasize that I am addressing them from my limited personal experiences and not as a medical professional.
1.       He doesn’t look Autistic. In the grocery store the other day our son was holding something we purchased and the cashier saw that he really didn’t want to let it go. She was very kind and used the hand held scanner to add the item to our list. As we were talking we thanked her for doing that and mentioned that we might have had a meltdown if we tried to pry it from his hands. She looked at him and said the phrase that we’ve heard a bunch of times, “he doesn’t look autistic.” There seems to be an idea out there that Autism is something you can see. Although autism is diagnosed by a series of symptoms, they are also not always present. Some people with ASD might be very social and make eye contact with you, while others would have a meltdown in a public place, some may have repetitive movements like shaking their head, or rocking, while others will not. On good days our sons with ASD might act ‘normal’ for several hours at a time. Taking a glance or even a serious look at a child will very rarely help you know if he is autistic.
2.       My child isn’t autistic, he’s smart. First off, try not to say this to a parent of an autistic child, it’s just not nice. This is another misconception about ASD that I think originates from a lack of awareness of what autism is. Most people who say this are thinking about severe cases of autism. As clarification, autism has a huge spectrum that covers challenges including social, communication and behavior. Just because a person can’t speak doesn’t mean they are not smart, nor does the fact that someone can speak mean they have anything intelligent to say. In many cases people with ASD have a high IQ they just have a difficult time expressing what they know. It is very likely that we could learn a lot from people with ASD, if we could just figure out a way to tap into what they know.
3.       How can a diagnosis help? This is a great question that is often asked by those who have noticed some delays with their children and they are wondering if it is worth the work to get an official diagnosis. In some ways, having a diagnosis doesn’t help. There isn’t some magic pill or shot that will cure your child of ASD. But in other ways it can make all the difference in the world. We had two ‘normal’ children before having a child with ASD. The first almost three years with Matthew were frustrating, we tried everything that we did with our first two children and nothing was reaching him. The day we got the diagnosis of autism changed my perspective. When I knew he wasn’t like other children I changed how I thought and that has helped me be a better parent. I gained understanding and that made a huge difference. In addition to understanding, we have now been able to get support through our local school district and early intervention. The wonderful professionals we have worked with have given us so many tools to help Matthew. Some tools work, some don’t, but we don’t feel so alone, and that means a lot. It has also been shown that the earlier a child is diagnosed with ASD, the more effective the therapies are in helping to reduce unwanted behaviors.
4.       They just need discipline. This idea goes hand in hand with the ‘if they’re hungry enough they’ll eat it’ line of thinking. For “normal” children when they misbehave you can reason with them, tell them no, or take the “whatever” away for a while and the behavior will stop or improve.  However for children with ASD that is not how it works. For example, one of our sons draws on the walls. If there is a marker, pen, pencil, crayon or anything to write with left out he will draw on just about any surface. We have tried doing everything we can think of but at the age of almost 4 it still persists. The only way we can stop him is to put every writing implement out of his reach. For the past almost year, we get crayons down only when he has paper and we can monitor him coloring. We encourage writing on paper only, and his behavior is finally beginning to change. This example may seem extreme for any parent with ‘normal’ children, but for parents of children with ASD, this is commonplace, and the kind of thing we need to do for almost every aspect of our lives.
5.       What kind of future can I expect? I don’t know. For me this is one of the hardest questions. I don’t know what to expect for education, career, independence, or marriage. Each day I need to compare Matthew only to Matthew and Andrew only to Andrew. I have hope that all we are doing will pay off and they will be able to one day live independently, and be contributing members of society, but I have no idea.


Through our experiences over the years I have learned so much about ASD, and I know there is so much I still need to learn. I am so thankful for wonderful and supportive friends and family who continue to ask questions and learn what they can about ASD so they can better understand our children, and know how they can help us. I hope this post has helped. 

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Completely disconnected

Probably one of the most challenging things for me about Andrew is how little he reacts to things. He really does almost act like he is deaf.  Below is a video of what it is like most of the time with Andrew. He just wanders around and doesn't listen to anything that we say. It is difficult because it's very frustrating and at the same time it's not his fault. 



I never really know what is going on in his head and he is often very violent. Along with this disconnect comes an emotional disconnect as well.  One of the most wonderful and precious things about being a mom is having your children wrap their arms around you and tell you that they love you or that they think you are the best, etc. With Andrew he asks for a lot of affection (when he wants it) but never gives it back. Every night I give my kids a hug and kiss and tell them that I love them. And every single night I get a blank stare or he turns away from me or at times he hits me. 

There have been 2 separate occasions that this was not what happened. 

One time he was being especially bad about going to bed and I was at the end of my rope. After the 15th time (it felt like, I really don't remember the number but it was more than I was fit to handle) of putting him back in bed I leaned down and gave him a kiss and then he did something that he had never done before. He just grabbed me and wrapped his arms around my neck and wouldn't let go! Then he started giving me kisses; over and over again. And every time he kissed me he would lean back and look me in the eye and then squeeze and kiss again. It was probably a couple of minutes of this. I started to cry because he had never done that before and it also calmed me down. After he was done I said good night again and then he went to bed.  

The other time I was doing our night time "good night" and after I gave him his hug and kiss I tried to get his attention and said, "Andrew, mommy loves you." and he just looked away. So I said it again and then I thought, maybe I'll try signing it. So I signed "I love you" and I said, "Andrew I love you!" and he just stared at the sign and then he looked at his hands and he made the sign for "I love you" and then held it up in the air, looked straight at me, and gave me a huge grin. Again, it brought tears to my eyes. That was the first time he ever communicated in the 3 1/2 years of his life that he loved me. It hasn't happened since (but I keep showing him the sign and try to help him make the sign).

So I guess the point of all this is to help share, with all who are reading, that it's hard to have a child completely disconnected.  It is just another one of those things that adds to the emotional exhaustion of having a child with autism. But when I have those rare connected moments they are huge and I cherish them.


Thursday, January 23, 2014

The works of God made manifest...

Growing up I never imagined that I would have 2 children with special needs. I always envisioned my "perfect" little family: very well behaved children, immaculate home, adorable children, lots of laughing and fun, and most especially love. And honestly I felt like I deserved that family. I was a "perfect" child. I never gave my parents grief: I was obedient, well-behaved, loving, and kind. So for some reason I thought I should have gotten what I wanted. I have struggled and been at times quite angry that I didn't get that family. I at times have felt like God was punishing me by giving me children with special needs. I have since come around and realized that all those feelings were "false beliefs" (something I think and believe in my head, but it just is downright false). 

One day I was crying on the phone to my sister about these very struggles and thoughts that I was just talking about. And she told me about a man that she had just met the other night at a dinner. He was an older gentleman who had several children (8 I think, I can't remember) and every one of them has some sort of special need or disability. He told her that yes life was challenging and difficult but every single one of his children was a blessing from God. He said that when he looks at his children he thinks of a scriptural story from the Bible. 

It is in John 9: 1 - 3 

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

He said to my sister, we weren't given these children with special needs because we sinned, or as some kind of punishment. They have come here to earth so that the works of God could be made manifest through them.

When she told me that, it helped me so much. These children who come to this earth that are "different" are very special. They aren't easy all the time but they help so many people around them. I have sat and thought about it and I think that there are more children coming to this earth with special needs because this world is becoming such a ME world. And having all these kids with special needs almost forces people to think about and serve others who can't do everything for themselves. And THAT is a work of God. 

Here are 2 YouTube videos that demonstrate my point exactly. 




God isn't punishing me by giving me two special needs children. He has entrusted them to me and is giving me the privilege of seeing His works being manifest through my boys to all those who they come in contact with.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

My little heroes

I always talk on this blog about my two children with special needs, because that is what this blog is about. However, there are two people that I hardly ever mention that are a HUGE part as to why I can get through the day most days and who are the silent heroes in my life.  They are Emma (10) and Jacob (8)...my older "normal" children.  

They are superstars as far as I am concerned. They are so loving and patient with their little brothers (they do get their moments of frustrations but they are amazing).  Emma tries to play with the boys or tries to help them calm down if they are having a meltdown and gives them lots of love.  Jacob is much bigger than his little brothers and could very easily beat them up or push them to the ground, but he is always so patient with them and when they hit him or push him around he just takes it and never retaliates. It amazes me how great these two kids are.  


Matthew "using" Emma as part of his play while she just keeps on patiently reading a book. 

There for Matthew when he needs help or a hug.

Not only are they amazing siblings but they are wonderful children for me and Eric. They are usually pretty obedient and good listeners, they are very helpful, and they are VERY patient and forgiving of us. We sometimes have a short fuse and we snap at them when they really didn't do much. We realize it and apologize for it and they always just wrap their arms around us and tell us that they love us and that we are the best parents ever.  They say sometimes, "it's okay mom we know that you've had a rough day with Matthew and Andrew." Such compassion and understanding is just so helpful and wonderful.

I really am truly blessed to have these two on my team!


Andrew and Jacob working on a pumpkin together.
Jacob being Matthew's "horse" around the house.

Playing together on the trampoline




Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Out in public! Yikes!

One of the hardest things to do with Andrew and Matthew is go out in public with them. If I can I try and avoid it. But at the same time I tell myself, "they need to learn sometime." So I usually try and go out in public with them with AT LEAST one other adult. 

I can't even tell you how many times I have gotten stares or looks when the boys have been loud, have hit, thrown a fit, or been uncontrollable. I often wonder: "What are they thinking?" or "They probably think I am a terrible parent and can't get my kid under control!" It makes me want to just leave everything and run home and hide...hide away from the world.

One recent experience: My mom and I were out shopping and we went to a "Subway" type shop inside the grocery store. I forgot Andrew's snacks and drink in the car so I left Andrew with my mom in line while I went out to the car. When I came back Andrew was in full fit mode: screaming, hitting, and arching his back trying to get free of the cart! I ran up and tried to calm him down, the result was getting hit several times. I eventually got him calmed down. But there were definitely people staring at us. When my mom bought her lunch he starting throwing a fit again and the cashier was sweet and said, "Oh he must be tired or hungry! Poor guy!" but I saw the person behind them and he didn't look as sympathetic. While we were eating my mom turned to me and said, "Wow! People really do stare don't they! This is hard." I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "yeah, I'm getting used to it." But we did acknowledge the nice cashier.

I was looking for a video for a different post that I am putting together and I found this one. It is from the What would you do? TV show. And it addresses just this very thing. It amazes me the reactions of the people. I'm glad that there is tolerance and acceptance out there. I don't always feel it, maybe it's in my head, or maybe it actually exists. 



Eric and I finally decided that we are going to start to live more and stop revolving our lives around not disrupting others around us. So we took the kids out to the movies to see Frozen. We thought this would be a great movie to go see and we thought they would love the big screen and everything. I came prepared with Andrew's favorite blanket, some snacks, and the iPad. The one thing I didn't realize that Andrew was going to want and we didn't have was POPCORN!  Looking back Eric or I should have just gotten up and gotten some, but we didn't. The lady in front of us had popcorn and when she was done and put it down on the seat next to her, there was no stopping Andrew from trying to get it. He wasn't bad and he didn't throw a fit, but he was relentless. It was kind of funny looking back but we decided that maybe we should wait a few more years to go to the movies with him. The lady who had the popcorn kept on looking back at Andrew and at us, but never said anything and we didn't either. But Matthew was perfect and LOVED the movie. The favorite thing about that movie was looking over at Matthew's face and seeing it light up and hearing his laugh!

Going out is definitely a struggle but we have learned a few things:  come prepared with toys, iPad, snacks, and special blankets, and to understand that the experience probably isn't going to be great or wonderful, but at least we are going out as a family. In time I have to believe that it will get better, probably never perfect, but better.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Why Do You Keep Telling Me You have Autistic Kids?

This is Eric (MaryBeth's husband) and I have had a lot on my mind lately specifically about raising children with autism, and as it is the Christmas Break, I've had a lot more time to spend with our two boys, so I got permission to do a guest blog post on MaryBeth's page, because this post wouldn't really fit in with my blog.

For the past year or so when I've been catching up with old friends, or meeting new people through my work one of the first things I tell people about my family is that I have two autistic sons. I remember before we had children with autism I didn't understand why people felt the need to tell me they had children with autism or other special needs, but now I think I'm starting to get it.

Possible Reason One: Networking

A couple of years ago I was having a stressful time with school and work and doing some volunteer things for our church. It was a very challenging time for me and I remember snapping at some people because they were not doing what I thought they should be for a certain project. One of the men I snapped at called me on the phone and we started talking. He wisely asked me what else was going on in my life other than the project we were working on. I told him about school, work, and about just getting the diagnosis for autism for Matthew.

He paused for a moment on the phone and said, "I know exactly what you are going through. I have an autistic son who is now 20." We talked for quite a long time, and after our conversation we had found some common ground and he became one of my biggest allies in getting that project successfully completed.

I have had similar situations with my work as a teacher. I work in a cyber school, so I don't see my students, and they are from long distances away. Sometimes I will call a parent and ask about their student and I recognize the tone in their voice when they tell me their child is autistic. They often sound tired, frustrated, and at the end of their rope, and I can completely relate.

It is wonderful to have other people understand where I am coming from, despite the differences in the spectrum of autism there are also so many similarities. There is a special connection between people who have things in common.

Possible Reason Two: It's All Consuming

This is something that is really tough to understand if you are an outsider, but I'll try to describe a typical day or part of one, and see if it makes more sense:

Emma at 5:

"Emma, it's time for school. Brush your teeth, get dressed. We're leaving in ten minutes."

"Okay dad."

Then Emma would brush her teeth, get dressed and be ready to go out the door for school.

Matthew at 5:

One hour before he leaves for school, he walks past the bathroom and comes into our room. We remind him that he needs to go potty first thing in the morning, and he goes back to the bathroom, then returns to our room. He needs help snapping up his pajamas. Then he gets into bed with us for a morning snuggle. If it is too short he will be cranky all day long.

Then we have breakfast, usually the same thing each day, but if he sees a sugar cereal, or an apple, or candy, or anything left out from the previous night (cookies, cake etc.) it's a meltdown, and a repeated request for that kind of food for about a week. He needs to eat at the counter because he will not eat what everyone else eats, and if another child finishes eating their 'healthy' breakfast and grabs a sugar cereal we have another meltdown. Some days he wants someone to sit next to him or he won't eat, if that happens, the entire morning routine is thrown off. Assuming everything is put away, and we have an event free time, we get him breakfast without a hitch we move on to getting ready for school.

We still need to brush his teeth, pick out his clothing, and dress him. If he has his mind set on a certain pair of socks, underwear, shirt or pants, we play a guessing game amidst various forms of pointing, signing, and some attempts at speaking. When he is dressed, teeth brushed and suited up for whatever weather there is outside, and we get him out the door to his driver. If the driver is more than two minutes late meltdown time, and fight to get him into the car.

And thus it is for every aspect of our lives. What most kids grow out of, we face daily, what most kids do for themselves, we do for them, what most kids will eventually catch on to, ours might not, what most kids can understand, we have no way of knowing if he gets it.

Real Reason: It Defines Me and My Family

Being a parent of an autistic child defines who I am more than any other part of my life. It consumes more of my time, energy and attention than anything else I do. Almost every decision we make, every daily activity, every trip to a therapist, every plan for the future focuses around autism.

So the real reason I say I have two children with Autism, is not to get attention, or make you feel bad for me. Although I love finding other people who I can connect with and get great ideas from, it's not even to network out to others.

I tell you this because it is who I am, more than a teacher, an author, or anything else I do in life. I am a parent of children with autism.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Not 1 but 2!

So I am a terrible journal writer. I had great intentions of keeping up on this blog to be a motivation for others who might be struggling with the same thing and to help myself. Life just gets away from you and sitting at the computer typing out my biggest struggle in life is not top on my priority list (but maybe it should be higher).

When my husband and I were first married and talked about the size of family we wanted to have we both agreed that 4 kids sounded like a good number. We both come from families of 4 children. I get very sick when I am pregnant so after Matthew my number then became 3. I felt like I couldn't do it again. I was also dealing with a screaming and crying all day child who was very dependent and having problems. Well Heavenly Father had something else in mind for me. (Now remember in a previous post I mentioned being religious.) This next thing that happened in my life I firmly believe was God communicating with me.  I was sitting listening to a talk from a church leader and I HEARD in my head, "You need to have another baby." And ignored that voice and kept on listening. I did NOT want another baby! I was barely holding it together as it was. That whole weekend that thought would not leave my head, and I kept on telling it to go away. Finally after a couple of days, I was having almost a non-stop bombardment of thoughts of baby. So I decided to talk to my husband about it. He was surprised, but said well let's pray about it together. We did and we both felt like yes we were supposed to have another baby. As I was kneeling in prayer I said to Heavenly Father, "but how can I do this! I have such a hard time when I am pregnant? I have this 18 month old that is draining the life out of me physically and emotionally! I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old to take care of! How can I do this?" And the answer that came back was, "this child that will come into your family will bring balance to your family. Just like you did with your family." (A story there, but to make it short...my mom was told by the Spirit that same thing about having me, and I did bring balance to my family) So after hearing that I had confidence that everything would be alright. (Now my alright and God's alright were two totally different things) I got pregnant like 2 weeks later and it ended up being my worst pregnancy. But we had our little Andrew with bright red hair.




Andrew was an amazing baby! He ate well, slept well, rolled over on time, crawled on time and walked on time, happy all the time. He was just this awesome little baby.....until he was about 18 months old.  Since Matthew is autistic and has a severe speech disorder I was very acutely paying attention to Andrew's development. He was making good eye contact and physically developing just great. But he wasn't speaking at all, not responding to sounds, and fiercely independent. So I called up Early Intervention and got him into services of Speech Therapy by 18 months old. We were actually concerned that he had a hearing problem (not autism). So we went through the whole array of hearing tests. He failed a few, got tubes in his ears, and then still had inconclusive results. So we had to do a sleeping hearing test to get very accurate results. That was a nightmare experience which I could write a short story on, but the results came back: Perfect hearing! We were devastated. What perfect hearing? Then why can you scream at the top of your lungs right next to him and he doesn't respond?

Here is a sort of paraphrased conversation I had with his ENT.
ENT: "His ears work just fine, but it's not connecting in the brain. You should get him tested for Autism."
Me: (in my head AUTISM????) "No I have a child with autism. He isn't anything like him."
ENT: "Well there are lots of forms of autism. I would be happy to help you out with whatever referrals you need. Have a great day!"
Me: "Thanks."
And I walk out of the office feeling completely confused and deflated.



Then the inner battle began. I was trying to figure out how could he be autistic? He developed physically just fine, he makes eye contact (at least he used to...), he CAN'T be autistic God promised me ANDREW would be balance to this family, not more stress! And so on and so on. I had a lot to learn about myself and my expectations in life (and especially that balance and stress are not the same thing). To kind of wrap up Andrew's story to his diagnosis. I did a bunch of research and still didn't think Andrew was autistic but instead I thought he had a processing disorder. He very much reminded me of a friend's little boy when he was Andrew's age (so I talked to his mom and sure enough he has a processing disorder). So I thought: I'm not waiting 9 - 12 months for a Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician! If he has a processing disorder then he needs to see a Pediatric Neurologist. And so that is the route we went. About 20 minutes into our appointment the Neurologist told me, Andrew is autistic. I said well what about a processing disorder. And he said well processing disorders now fall under the umbrella of autism. He was very impressed with Andrew and said that he is going to accomplish great things in life. I left that appointment kind of stunned. And trying to figure out what do I do next? By the way, at this point Andrew just turned 3! 18 months of trying to figure it out.

How did I feel then? Confused and sort of annoyed that I had 2 kids with autism. And then the questions and concerns for the future started bombarding my head. But we had an answer and it gave us a little bit of clarity as to what was going on in Andrew's head.

I will share more of our adventure with Andrew in a different post, but that is how we found out we had not 1 but 2 children with autism. And so the journey continues.


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Road to Matthew's communication

So I have mentioned a little about Matthew's communication, but let me explain it a little bit more.  For the first year of his life he cried; unless he was sleeping or being held.  I was doing everything one handed because I just couldn't stand hearing him cry.  Eventually when he got big enough I was carrying him around in the baby backpack (cooking, cleaning, everything).  When he started crawling (around 10 months) he starting crying less and then at 17 months when he started walking he cried less.


(Matthew first walking at 17 months old)

With my older two children I had read a book on teaching your children sign language before they can speak to help with frustration, so I taught them both (5 or 6 signs) and it worked great.  With Matthew, he was very slow to do it, but he did get please, more, and thank you (but not consistently).  Matthew's mode of communication was screaming and crying.  Some kids if they aren't able to speak let you know what they want by bringing the thing they want to you, taking you to the thing they want, or pointing; Matthew did NONE of these things.  Like I said in the previous post, he would scream and cry and then we would have to guess what he wanted until we got it right, then he would stop crying letting us know we got what he wanted.

(This video Matthew is a little over 2 years old, he had been screaming and crying in his room for about 10 minutes.  I waited to see if he would stop or come to me, I knew he wasn't hurt. This is what he was like most of the time)

Once Matthew started Early Intervention therapies in October (2 years 6 months old) he started getting better with his verbalization.  About a month or so into speech his therapist let us borrow a Baby Signing Time video.  She used some signs in therapy and told us about how if children have a speech disorder they sometimes are nervous about expressing words, so sign language helps gap that.  So we borrowed the DVD and Matthew loved watching it.  So we watched it a lot. I remember when Matthew was about 2 years 9 months old, I was sitting at the computer and he came up to me, tapped me on the arm, and then signed banana!!  No crying, no fit, no meltdown!!!  I cried right then and there.  He approached me and communicated his wants for the 1st time (almost 3 years old). I really felt like sign language was instrumental in helping him connect communication. So we borrowed more signing time videos from his speech therapist and started using a lot more sign language at home.  He started using signs more to identify things (animals, colors, etc.). We started discovering that he actually knew a lot, we just never knew because he didn't have a way of telling us. And we also discovered that he tried to be verbal a lot more when he had a sign to go along with it.

When Matthew turned 3 he got transitioned out of home therapy to a special education preschool setting. He had a driver provided and went 4 days a week for 1/2 days.  I was so nervous about having him go, but I knew that is was the best thing for him.  He LOVED school.  He had a hard time with transitions and being cooperative but he was behaving a lot better and still trying to make sounds.  The speech therapist at school had several different ways of getting him to communicate (pictures, pointing, sign language, a "Go Talk").  They were really wanting him to communicate with the "Go Talk" (a device that talks for you by pushing buttons), and he would do it but preferred to use signs.  Along with school speech therapy I was also taking him 2 times a week to private speech therapy sessions. She was an amazing therapist as well (we have been so blessed with all the speech therapist that we have worked with.  All wonderful!). She also used sign language a lot.  

As a mother I am a worrier.  So I started worrying about Matthew going to Kindergarten.  He doesn't like crowds, he is really small for his age, the doesn't talk (he was improving but he was far from speaking intelligibly), he's Autistic....all these things started weighing me down. A few months before Matthew was turning 4 I was again worrying about Matthew's future.  I got a really strong feeling to look up the local school for the deaf and the hard of hearing. I thought it was a little strange but looked into it anyway.  I went to their website and immediately I was over come with emotion. I was crying looking over their site.  (I am a religious person, so I feel as though God was telling me that this was the place for Matthew) I e-mailed their school and asked if they would ever enroll a hearing child who couldn't speak but used sign language to communicate.  I got a response inviting us to come to the school to discuss the situation.  We went and my husband and I immediately felt like it was the right place for Matthew.  We talked to our coordinator who hesitantly agreed to try for it (we had to get approval for it). It was time for Matthew's annual IEP meeting, so my husband and I discussed our decision with his teacher and speech therapist, and got very different responses.  The teacher told us that she thought we were wonderful parents and she trusted our judgment; the speech therapist completely disagreed with us and told us we were abandoning our son's verbal communication and other things.  We KNEW it was the right thing deep in our hearts so it didn't even bother us.  (I am sharing this little part of Matthew's past so that parents out there reading this know that if you feel strongly about something with your child's therapy or education, don't be afraid to give it a try and stay strong).

Matthew got approved to go to the deaf school (much to our coordinators surprise). And he started up at the beginning of the school year.  It was preschool: 5 days a week full-day.  To make this long story a little shorter he did AMAZING at the school.  He started verbalizing more, signing a LOT, and his behavior improved immensely.  He started getting better about letting us know his needs and wants (it's still not perfect, but he is communicating and that is what we care about). Instead of 20 + fits a day we are now down to about 4 or 5 a day.  And when he has fits all we have to do is ask what's wrong and he can let us know.  

This past year we are finally getting to know our son!  We are getting to know his little personality, what he understands, what his interests are, etc. It has been so amazing and all because of sign language.  Our family has had to learn it too, but we are willing to learn anything if it's going to help Matthew succeed.  

(Matthew signing "Hi My name is Matthew (name sign) then he proceeds to spell his first AND last name, not even 5 and he can spell his name!)

I guess that is enough for this post.  I still have lots to share but giving a child a "voice" I think is one of the most amazing and rewarding things.  And every child is different, so just because this is working for Matthew doesn't mean it's the answer for all.